My Most Precious Katie,
This letter is one of the most difficult undertakings of my life. I have so very many thoughts to express to you and doubt that I can find the words to articulate their full meaning.
I am uncertain of the age that you are while reading this letter. At the time this letter is being written you are six days old. It was only five days ago that I said, “Good-bye” to you. I held you very close to me and talked to you for several hours. My eyes were tearful and my heart ached as I asked you to please, one day, understand my decision to place your for adoption was made out of my love for you. I realize that this may not be easy for you to understand at this time. You must have as many questions as I do things to say to you.
I found out I was pregnant with you at a very difficult time in my life. I wanted to keep you more than anything in this world. I realized in my heart that I was unable to do so. It was very difficult for me to accept that I could not provide adequately for you and was emotionally unprepared to raise you by myself.
As I held you in my arms my first thought was, “How could I not want everything for you?” I then apologized to you for not being able to be everything or provide all that I felt that you deserved. I subtly begged for your forgiveness for not being able to be the mother to raise you or have the relationship with your father that would enable me to do so. Katie, as I held you I kept looking at you and was so awed by your beauty and innocence. An overwhelming serenity possessed me as I felt so blessed to have the privilege to give birth to such a perfect little miracle as you.
I counted each of your little fingers and toes and found it so hard to believe that just a few hours before those little extremities were literally inside of me, giving me quite a few kicks and punches. Now, here you are, less than one week old, no longer inside of me yet forever a part of me. You have undergone the process of growing inside my womb to your birth and then from my loving arms to those of your parents.
I now realize that the ability to conceive and give birth is a privilege. Some people, for whatever reason, are unable to experience such a cherished event.
At times I couldn’t help but to think how perhaps unfair it was that your parents could not experience such an event and here I had conceived you at a time in my life so unsuitable for my parenting you. Much of this issue was resolved after talking on the phone with your mother, Debbie; prior to your birth. Initially we were both so nervous with what I imagine (among other things) the anxiety of each of us so desperately wanting to give each other accurate impressions of ourselves in appearance, personalities, philosophies, etc. It was not so much the content of our conversation that was in any way unusual. Like many of the things in life that truly have meaning, I felt that I was left with a significance that was intangible. That is to say that the comfort that took place within me after talking to Debbie was something that could by touched by a hand or seen with one’s eyes. It was that sort of feeling that we experience that is far too personal for one to have tangible evidence of.
Katie, I cannot profess to be a religious person in the traditional sense. I was born and raised Catholic and will always consider myself such. II have always possessed a belief in god and my faith has sustained me throughout my life. Your birth has re-established my belief In God on a much deeper level. It’s so difficult to explain the following, but I will try my best.
I had not expected my coming to a higher and deeper level with my relationship and understanding of God prior to my knowledge that Debbie and John were your prospective parents. The comfort that I felt after my first conversation with them and the conversations that followed after your birth came as a shock to me. I could now understand a very special purpose that God had intended for you and Debbie and John and me. It’s as though the event of your conception and subsequent birth and my decision to place you for adoption was a result of God’s plan for all four of us. It seems as though god selected you to be born from me but raised by Debbie and John. God selected Debbie and John to be your parents. I believe that he guided me to them for you. That’s the intangible comfort that I felt and experienced from the conversations that took place with them. It is in believing in this that my sadness to separate from you is somewhat eased. Rather eerie, isn’t it.
Precious Katie, this is only one of the reasons that you are so very special to me. I think that perhaps one of the most important reasons that you are so special is that you have so greatly changed forever the lives of so many people just be being born. Many people strive all their lives to accomplish the task that you have completed in just a few days of your existence.
You have successfully fulfilled a void to your parents and family’s lives that, if not for the event of your birth, they would still be experiencing.
After the personal relationship that has developed after extensive conversations with Debbie about you, I then knew that you were not just a baby being adopted by a family. You were the product of a very careful and purposeful planning on the part of God and I will be forever grateful to him for involving me in such a cherished event.
Oh darling Katie, if only you could have heard the enthusiasm in your parents voices that I did when they were told to expect you! Only to be outdone by the elation of their being advised of your birth, their first glimpse of you and the first time they got to hold you. I can only imagine the cloud that they are walking on now that you are home with them. Katie, when I start to feel down about saying good-bye to you, I picture you with them and their happy faces and what your room must be like with everything my baby girl could need, all of our cute little clothes and toys picked out with such loving care.
Fear not Katie, for they will wipe your tears and provide the loving kisses, hugs and warm caresses when needed that I cannot provide due to our separation. Share your smiles and laughter with them and be assured that I will feel it also.
You see, my precious, they want everything for you also. They want not only to give you the material things that I regretfully cannot provide for you, but they also want to give you their unconditional love. Debbie and John loved you and wanted you so much that it didn’t matter if you weren’t of their flesh. I am convinced that they wanted you so much and so greatly desired the opportunity to show you their love that their love can actually equal the love that I have for you
I desired (and was given) each detail of what they felt and each even that took place upon your presentation to them. I was told of a pink dress that your parents selected for your “coming home” from the hospital. They actually thanked me for making them so happy and to be given the opportunity to love and care for you.
It was a tearful time for me. My tears were a mixture of sadness and joy. I had never experienced such an overwhelming simultaneous sense of each before.
It was so sad to say “good-bye” to you. I could literally feel the physical ache of my separation from you. I have several pictures of you and look at them often. I kept your comb from the hospital along with one of your hospital blankets. I also have a beautiful little pink bow that your nurses lovingly put in your hair. The sight of it and memory of seeing you wearing it instantly reduces me to tears. You were so cute with that little bow on your head! I hold them next to me when I long to hold you in my arms. When I do so, I can actually recall the wonderful scent of your essence.
I pray for John and Debbie to protect and guide you. I also pray for you to understand my decision and for us to one day meet each other. I know my darling that you must have many questions that I can only answer at that time.
I have faith that you will return their love and hopefully fell the love that I have for you and one day maybe feel some degree of love for me.
Please know that you are in my thoughts. I will write to you several more letters and sent a picture of myself for your parents to give to you. Pray for God to guide me in my letters to you.
You have brought me immeasurable joy in our short time together. I have so many more thoughts and feelings to share with you. God bless you my little darling, and your parents,
With all my love…..
(This letter is the only letter that Katy received from her biological mother. The state she was born in has ‘lost’ all records of her adoption. CB, if you are reading this and relinquished Katy in 08/1989 in a private adoption, please contact Search Quest America at 1-888-949-6996 ext. 201 and refer to client number 293552)
UPDATE: 2 hours after the publication of this beautiful mother to daughter letter, the team at SQA received a call from CB. No, she had not seen this piece, but Karma was in play, once again. Blessings to both Katie and CB as they start their reunion.